Life

Have I mentioned how bad I am with this blog thing? I am on the computer a lot, but do I take the time to write? Nope. Maybe 2012 will be better for this :)

Several things have happened lately that I am obsessing about. The main one being cancer. Bryan's friend has a matter of days to live. He is only 42. I can't even imagine being told I have days to live. He has three kids and a wife. Imagine being his wife, knowing you will be a single parent soon. I would cry-constantly. I admire that he has such a strong faith and that he thinks he is going to see God. Maybe he will and it will be fantastic. Did you hear what Steve Jobs' last words were? He was staring off into the distance saying Oh Wow. Oh Wow. Oh Wow. Part of me thinks that is pretty awesome. Maybe he was going to a place I am uncertain of, but maybe it is fantastic. I hope so.

On October 24th, my ex boyfriend passed away from Leukemia. Despite the fact that we did not last as a couple, we managed to remain friendly. We talked awhile ago about how he was diagnosed with Lymphoma but he was in remission. Last April he got diagnosed with Leukemia and ever since, he has been fighting. Constantly smiling in his pictures, making jokes, etc. 6 months after he was diagnosed, he passed away. He was only 31. In the short time I spent with him, I have a lot of fond memories of him. He was a carefree person with so much talent. He made me laugh and no matter what we did, we had fun. It did not work out between us, but that does not mean I wished him any ill will. When we were breaking up, he told me he wanted excitement. Constant excitement and passion. I told him that was not realistic. What he should look for is someone who is going to love him unconditionally, be there for him in good times and in bad, and who would take care of him even if he got sick with a life threatening disease. Ironic isn't it? I just can't believe he is gone. I feel terrible for his family. He was larger than life and his family adored him. He was always the center of attention at family events and I can't imagine how they are coping. Part of me wondered if I should go to his funeral but I could not bring myself to do it. I think I would feel out of place and my sadness for those still very close to him would be heartbreaking.

Of course these events bring up the constant thought of death and what will happen if I get sick, or how I will be when my loved ones die. So many people have cancer. Some people fight it, some people die. Why are some people sick, and others are not? I wish I had a strong faith and that I 100% believed in heaven. If I knew that it existed, it would be easier. But that is what faith is-believing in what you can't see. I am not sure how this will change. I pray every night that those who are close to me are happy and healthy. I hope no one else gets sick, but it is bound to happen. I wish I could not perseverate on these negative thoughts, but I do and I hope I can change that.

I have so many things to be thankful for. I am blessed in so many ways. I guess that is why I am always waiting for something bad to happen. Something has to go wrong, doesn't it? By worrying about it, I feel like I am preparing myself for it, but nothing I do will prepare me for anything in my opinion. We shall see what time brings. I wish I were a live in the moment person, but I am not. I long to be that person. Maybe someday.

Well, that was a downer of a post. Happier things to come in the future.

D