People tell me I am funny all the time. Lately I have not been feeling funny. I am not writing in a humorous way, I am just writing. It makes me sad. I also feel seriously drained and lacking energy to do anything. I had big plans with Bryan being gone to scrapbook, organize things, but nothing. Nada. Sure, I have cleaned toilets, cleaned the floor, vacuumed and did laundry, washed the sheets, etc. But anything creative? No. I have a strong urge to hang pictures, but I learned the hard way that Bryan is not a fan of me doing that. I did get pictures printed and put them into the frames. I hung one of them, but the other sit on the floor. I want to redecorate. I want to paint. All in due time I guess. I want things to be symmetrical when they hang on the wall, but this is too hard so I need to readjust my thoughts on that. I want our house to look like Pottery Barn. It is nowhere close. I envy the homes that do. We are getting new art work, picture frames, etc. Other than that, we are doing it a little at a time. That is so hard for me because I want things done all at once. I am impatient like that. What I REALLY want is a doggy door. Do you know how much this would ease my frustration with the currently not cute dog? He goes out ALL the time. I am glad he does not go potty in the house, but seriously, it is annoying. He goes out, comes in, runs around, then sits at the door again. He had mad love for the bark in the backyard. He is chewing on it right now. Bryan is against a doggy door because he thinks it is lazy and we have an alarm so we would need to figure out how to work it with the alarm sensor. He wrote me saying I can find out how to get the doggy door. That would be bliss. Seriously blissful. I would like the dog more if I did not have to let him out ALL the time. People invented doggy doors for a reason. I believe that reason was to make life simpler-especially for me :)

Bryan is still gone. He went to the Alps today and saw the Matterhorn. I have seen it at Disneyland but that is about it. I am glad he got to do that. After all, when is he going to be in Switzerland again? I thought I would love being alone for 5 days, and yes, it is nice to fall asleep with the TV on and get up when I want to, but it is weird being alone again. Funny how you get used to things.

Today I decided to take my fake nails off. I have had them on since January of 2009 and I hate going to get them done and I hate paying for it. I have tried taking them off before but I bite them. Thankfully, it is almost impossible for me to bite them with my bite blockers in and my braces, so I think I might be successful this time. I am cheap and I did not want to pay to have them taken off so I did them myself. I probably ruined the nail, but oh well. I hope they look ok after a manicure. It does suck having an itch with no nails to scratch it, but it will be nice not to have to worry about breaking a nail. We will see what happens.

Another random thought. The doctor upped my meds and I am exhausted. I am wondering if it is a side effect of the new medicine and the increase. I looked online and insomnia is a side effect. I don't have that. I want sleep. I think I need to go back down. I am seriously considering going off all meds (weening). I have been on something since I was 17. I don't know what I would feel like being off meds. Maybe I need them. I know I did when life crumbled in 2008, and in previous times, but being on this many things should make me feel good. Not indifferent. I am terrified to go off of them, but I guess I could always go back on them. I am not depressed anymore. Sure I have good days and bad days, but nothing like it was before. Is that because I am married now. I don't worry about guys and dating. The constant question of who, when and if I would get married is answered. Troubles about guys are not an issue and that was a HUGE part of my depression. My doctor says the meds have helped me so much, and compared to when I first saw her (After I went to "Camp"). Of course I am better. The end of 2008 was a total shit show. I did not want to be alive and now I would not even consider ending my life. Sure, life is not perfect but I have it good. Really good. So would going off the meds be beneficial or horrible? I do not know. I need to talk to my doctor about it. I have the major fog and I would question if it was related to the meds, but I am thinking no because this started in October and at that time I had been on those meds for 2 years. I am confused. I am scared. If I do get pregnant in the future, I can only be on Zoloft. So maybe I should try going off now and take it from there. I don't know what to do, but it is hard to believe I have been on something since I was 17. That is a long time. Am I feeling ok because of the meds or because circumstances have changed? I do not know. I am scared to find out, but maybe it would be amazing. Or terrible. It would save a lot of money though.

I sure can ramble. In the time it took me to write this, I have let the dog out 5 times. He is sitting by the door again. So annoying. I am off for now. Headed to dinner with my brother and his family, and my parents to the yummy pizza place.  Yay!

More Randomness

I like to think of this blog as my journal. I really think no one reads it, but it allows me to keep a record of what goes on in my life without having to hand write it in a notebook (which I should be doing more often, but I am a much faster typer.) So with this being my online journal, I might share too much information. Maybe inappropriate information, but hey, this is my life and I want to document it.

With that said, here is how my day went. I had to go to the doctor to do another pap. A few months ago, I had abnormal cells, and they had to do a colposcopy. Results seemed fine, but I had to get another pap today. I dread them. I always laugh because they have a picture of a field of flowers on the ceiling. Who is thinking they are in a meadow of flowers with their legs wide open? Not me. The nurse was saying it should at least be a picture of hot guys, but definitely not naked. We then had a conversation about naked men not being appealing. I said a nicely dressed man doing laundry would be a nice image. She agreed.

Eventually my doctor came in and did the exam. When we were finished, I sat up and asked her some questions about getting pregnant, if we ever choose to do that. I did not get dressed, I just sat up. She listened to my questions and before she answered she sort of sat on the counter. As she did this, she yelled "SHIT!" He back turned to me, she apologized for cussing (I did not care) and she kept saying, Oh no! Uh, what happened? She moves over and I see that she spilled the test samples (apparently they go in water now) and tells me they have to redo everything. Of all the tests I have to have redone, it would be this one. I swear these things only happen to me. Oh well, nothing I can do about it.

I asked her what happens if it comes back abnormal, and she asked me why I am always focusing on the negative. I get that question a lot. I guess it is my way of TRYING to prepare myself in case the bad happens. She told me they dont usually talk about it until they know, but I told her I was curious. She said the colposcopy would need to be repeated.  We will see. I so wish I could be someone who is positive, seeing the good in everything but for some reason, I don't. I wish there were a way to change that. Maybe I can-someday.

After that, I went and met Kathy for lunch at Boston Market. They have real plates now, and they take you to a table when you get your food. That was interesting. Nice, but interesting.

I came home after that to hear a message from Disney. We have been having conference calls with Disney about how we are displeased with our park shoot. They fixed a few pictures, but all they did was straighten some of them out. They said they rebuilt them but we don't see it. The top of the castle is still missing. They asked if we wanted a reshoot in our attire, and although that would have been ideal a few months ago, I have braces now and short hair. Bryan also pointed out how much money it would be to fly down there, rent a tux, get hair and makeup done, get a room, etc. Things I of course did not think of. So that was ruled out. We suggested money back. They said they could go reshoot the same angle of our locations at the same time of day we took our pictures and photoshop the top of the castle on the pictures. To me this sounded ridiculous. Isnt there a way to photoshop it without reshooting? How would they get the same lighting? Time change has happened, seasons have changed-it is silly. Then they asked what shots we wanted but did not get. I told them and she said they could photoshop us in to those locations. Um, I would know we were not actually in that location so I said no. We said we would love to do a reshoot in normal clothes at Magic Kingdom, but not sure when we could do it. I was surprised Bryan suggested this since it would still be a lot of money to come down. He did ask for a hotel room and mention free passed. She said she would talk to her boss and get back to us with an offer.

I called her back and the bottom line is they will give us a Magic Kingdom shoot after the park opens. They said they would give us $150 towards printing photos. I just emailed them and asked if we would get the same things we paid for the first time around (like the hi res CD) I also asked if getting money back would be an option so we will see what they have to say.

Nothing else really going on. I have time with Bryan and the boys gone and I have not got much done except get caught up on the shows that were on the DVR. I thought about going to Ft. Collins this weekend but I think I will stay home. I have most of the items priced for my craft sale-I just really hope that people come. I want this stuff gone. I really need to get back into doing things that are crafty. I need to get over wanting it to be perfect. I need to just do it.

I am really tired for some reason so I am off to bed. I might stay on a little while to see if Bryan gets on Skype. I wish I used Skype when I lived in NJ to see my family. Such cool technology-but I do think it would have made it harder to be away from them if I saw them on the computer.

Have a good night!

Randomness

I have no idea what I am going to write about, but since I am completely alone (minus the dog) I feel like I need to write. It will be all over the place, I just know it.

I am still in my fog which I think is due to the ear issue. I went and got a two hour massage (heaven) tonight with Edward. Granted, Edward is magic but man, is he annoying. He is one of those guys who thinks he is hilarious, and makes weird comments and jokes. I would not go to him if he were not an amazing massage therapist. He kills my back and neck but I need that. Do I need him talking in a British accent then talking like he is Irish? No. Two hours of someone rubbing out the massive knots in my back and neck is awesome. What would be even more awesome? Silence. Pure silence. Not going to happen with this guy. Ever. My neck muscles are so tight and I really hope it is the cause for my issues. I know I am going to be in so much pain tomorrow, but if it gets me on the road to feeling like my ears are clear, it will be worth it.

Before I went for my massage, I went back to the orthodontist. I had "bite turbos" put on my two front teeth so I would not be able to close my jaw preventing teeth grinding and my clenching. It worked for awhile but for two weeks or so, I have not been able to touch them, resulting in teeth grinding and jaw clenching. I went to see them today and they rebuilt the blockers. I now hit the blockers again-yay. Are they sexy? Heck to the no, but if they make things better, this too will be worth it!

Bryan is in Europe so I am watching shows I have on the DVR. As I write this, I am watching Extreme Couponing. I am in awe of these women. I questions who needs 318 boxes of pasta even if they are free? Won't the things they stockpile expire? Cereal for less than a dollar and free toilet paper? I am all for it. I need to learn how to do this coupon thing.

Another random thought about our dog. He is cute, really, really cute....or should I say he WAS cute. Every time we took him to get a hair cut, it looked like they only shaved his legs trimmed his ears and face. His fur was still 5 inches long. This is the puppy I am used to:

Bryan took him to Petsmart and complained about the hair cuts he has been getting and they said they would give him a real trim. He left him and when he went to pick him up, this is what our puppy looked like:

Uh, whose dog is this? Not our cute one. This dog is SO NOT CUTE. What happened to my cute and fluffy puppy? The one who trailed in twigs and bark in his fur? I want that puppy back. The kid I watch on Tuesdays asked us where Mickey is and who the new dog was. Um, that IS Mickey. They basically shaved him. Now that he has no hair, I noticed one of his ears sticks out, while the other lays flat. Interesting. I would be so mad if I were him. At least his hair is growing back a lot faster than mine!  Although I do have to say-my new haircut is SO much easier than it was before, but I will grow it out again.

This is probably the lamest post ever. My ears are feeling more full than ever. Maybe he did something to get things moving. That would be awesome.

I am lacking creativity and motivation in so many ways. I am signing off before I become even more boring. I think I will go watch me some Hoarders to feel better about myself.