That's What D Said

Wow, time flies. It has been over two months and the thing I talked about last was our new car. So much has changed since then. Halloween came and went, Thanksgiving was here before you know it, and then it was time for our wedding. I got married. I am still in shock over this and have yet to absorb all that it entails. The wedding is a blur, and honestly all I keep thinking about are the bad things that happened during the trip. I will be forcing myself to write about all the positive things that happened so I can remember that a lot of things did go well. The thing I am struggling most with right now is the term "happiness." While at lunch with a friend today she told me she was worried I was not "happy." I have always pondered what being happy really means. I don't know if I have ever been happy. I have been content, which is where I think I am now, but happy is such a foreign word for me. My whole life I have thought when this happens, I will be happier. When that happens, I will be happy. Then the things I longed for happen and then I think, now what? I keep thinking, waiting, and hoping that the next thing in my life will make me happy but I am coming to realize I need to focus on what is great in my life right now. I have so much to be thankful for, so why do I not appreciate it? Why am I always trying to prepare for the worst to happen? To find something bad in anything and everything in my life?

After taking two months to read a book (which I can usually accomplish in a day or two) it got me thinking a lot. It is called the Happiness Project and it really made me analyze everything in my life. The basic premise was she spent a year working on things in her life to better herself and focus on the little things in life that we often take for granted. It was a book that had a lot of aha moments, which of course I say I will remember and then within a few days I forget. This seems to happen a lot lately and it worries me. I am in a fog. Have been in a fog for a long time. The doctor put me on Ritalin, then Concerta with the hopes of getting me focused. It made me even more foggy, but it did make me lose my appetite and lose weight. Wahoo! I decided being a few pounds lighter was not worth the fog so I took myself off the meds. My Dr. said this should not be an issue as there is usually no withdrawal from it. So far nothing, but I am still in a fog.  I have been to numerous doctors, ENT's, etc. trying to find out if my ears are blocked causing this fog. At first there was fluid, then there was a bulging eardrum, then that cleared up and nothing. I feel like there are cups over my ears. I hate this feeling. Man, I am cranky.

We have a new dog. He is pretty mellow and a little furball- His name is Mickey and I will tell the story of him in a future post.

Back to the book- after reading that book, one thing that really stuck with me is I need to be me. The writer says to do the things that make you happy, not always what other people want you to do. I know this may be selfish, but it is a valid point. If I want to take a nap, I should be able to. If I want to lay mindlessly on the couch and zone out while watching a show, I should be able to do that. I wish I were the adventurous type who enjoyed camping, hiking, etc. But I am not. I am a homebody and I need to embrace that.  I have been sleeping a large amount yet I never feel rested. I wonder if the magnitude of the wedding being over is hitting me. Knowing that I will always have 4 other things to take care of is hitting me as well. These are not bad things, I just wish I could appreciate the small things in my life.

This post is one that should have probably been reserved for my eyes only (but no one even reads this I don't think) and if certain people read it, it may be taken the wrong way. But I have noticed a huge part of my life-writing, documenting my life, etc has been lost. I need to get that back. I need to say no to things that I really do not want to do. I know people will see this as selfish but I need to get some sort of balance in my life. I am all over the place. I worry too much about what other people think. I apologize for EVERYTHING and I did not realize how much I did that until the wedding when even the photographer said "Stop apologizing." My hair and makeup lady told me a few days after the wedding that the wedding day should have been all about me. It was the one day it could and should have been about me, but I was so worried about everyone else around me. People did not want to take pictures where I wanted them because it was too windy, so I moved the pictures. There were pictures I wanted that were important to me, but I let my family members and other people sit around and not be ready for them as well as listened to their complaints of how many pics I wanted done. I should have stood my ground. This was a once in a lifetime event and I have regrets. I did not want that and now it is too late. I need to rid my life of the toxic people who do nothing but cause me to be upset. More about that later.

Although this post is somewhat depressing, I am thankful for what I have. Not as thankful as I should be because so many people have it FAR worse than me. I don't even have it bad-at all. Yet I focus on everything negative-and not any of the good in my life-and there really is a LOT of good. I need to find a way to appreciate it... to not worry so much about what the future holds because most of it I can't control. Friends of mine are going through cancer-I simply have a cold. Life has been good to me-despite 2008-but in the grand scheme of life that was merely a bump in the road.

As usual, I am all over the place so for now, I am going to end it here. Bryan just came home with flowers, told me not to tell my husband about them and in the card asked me to be his date tomorrow night. That was sweet.

Off to Target-yet another thing to be grateful for.