That's What D Said

People tell me I am funny all the time. Lately I have not been feeling funny. I am not writing in a humorous way, I am just writing. It makes me sad. I also feel seriously drained and lacking energy to do anything. I had big plans with Bryan being gone to scrapbook, organize things, but nothing. Nada. Sure, I have cleaned toilets, cleaned the floor, vacuumed and did laundry, washed the sheets, etc. But anything creative? No. I have a strong urge to hang pictures, but I learned the hard way that Bryan is not a fan of me doing that. I did get pictures printed and put them into the frames. I hung one of them, but the other sit on the floor. I want to redecorate. I want to paint. All in due time I guess. I want things to be symmetrical when they hang on the wall, but this is too hard so I need to readjust my thoughts on that. I want our house to look like Pottery Barn. It is nowhere close. I envy the homes that do. We are getting new art work, picture frames, etc. Other than that, we are doing it a little at a time. That is so hard for me because I want things done all at once. I am impatient like that. What I REALLY want is a doggy door. Do you know how much this would ease my frustration with the currently not cute dog? He goes out ALL the time. I am glad he does not go potty in the house, but seriously, it is annoying. He goes out, comes in, runs around, then sits at the door again. He had mad love for the bark in the backyard. He is chewing on it right now. Bryan is against a doggy door because he thinks it is lazy and we have an alarm so we would need to figure out how to work it with the alarm sensor. He wrote me saying I can find out how to get the doggy door. That would be bliss. Seriously blissful. I would like the dog more if I did not have to let him out ALL the time. People invented doggy doors for a reason. I believe that reason was to make life simpler-especially for me :)

Bryan is still gone. He went to the Alps today and saw the Matterhorn. I have seen it at Disneyland but that is about it. I am glad he got to do that. After all, when is he going to be in Switzerland again? I thought I would love being alone for 5 days, and yes, it is nice to fall asleep with the TV on and get up when I want to, but it is weird being alone again. Funny how you get used to things.

Today I decided to take my fake nails off. I have had them on since January of 2009 and I hate going to get them done and I hate paying for it. I have tried taking them off before but I bite them. Thankfully, it is almost impossible for me to bite them with my bite blockers in and my braces, so I think I might be successful this time. I am cheap and I did not want to pay to have them taken off so I did them myself. I probably ruined the nail, but oh well. I hope they look ok after a manicure. It does suck having an itch with no nails to scratch it, but it will be nice not to have to worry about breaking a nail. We will see what happens.

Another random thought. The doctor upped my meds and I am exhausted. I am wondering if it is a side effect of the new medicine and the increase. I looked online and insomnia is a side effect. I don't have that. I want sleep. I think I need to go back down. I am seriously considering going off all meds (weening). I have been on something since I was 17. I don't know what I would feel like being off meds. Maybe I need them. I know I did when life crumbled in 2008, and in previous times, but being on this many things should make me feel good. Not indifferent. I am terrified to go off of them, but I guess I could always go back on them. I am not depressed anymore. Sure I have good days and bad days, but nothing like it was before. Is that because I am married now. I don't worry about guys and dating. The constant question of who, when and if I would get married is answered. Troubles about guys are not an issue and that was a HUGE part of my depression. My doctor says the meds have helped me so much, and compared to when I first saw her (After I went to "Camp"). Of course I am better. The end of 2008 was a total shit show. I did not want to be alive and now I would not even consider ending my life. Sure, life is not perfect but I have it good. Really good. So would going off the meds be beneficial or horrible? I do not know. I need to talk to my doctor about it. I have the major fog and I would question if it was related to the meds, but I am thinking no because this started in October and at that time I had been on those meds for 2 years. I am confused. I am scared. If I do get pregnant in the future, I can only be on Zoloft. So maybe I should try going off now and take it from there. I don't know what to do, but it is hard to believe I have been on something since I was 17. That is a long time. Am I feeling ok because of the meds or because circumstances have changed? I do not know. I am scared to find out, but maybe it would be amazing. Or terrible. It would save a lot of money though.

I sure can ramble. In the time it took me to write this, I have let the dog out 5 times. He is sitting by the door again. So annoying. I am off for now. Headed to dinner with my brother and his family, and my parents to the yummy pizza place.  Yay!